


its ok because youre here

by ric3b0wl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, Eren Cries, Eren Has Anger Issues, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Levi is best boyfriend, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, any ending i do is bad, eren is depressed, fluff at the end, he doesn't feel good enough yall, i cant do bad endings, i tried™, insecure Eren, this is self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-10 19:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12918447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ric3b0wl/pseuds/ric3b0wl
Summary: Eren goes into a depressive episode while Levi is at work, Levi comes home and finds Eren sitting in the bathroom crying.





	its ok because youre here

**Author's Note:**

> This may or may not trigger people, there are descriptions of panic attacks and self-harm. don't read if you are triggered please.  
> ******  
> Also this is prolly really bad, and I don't know how words work so yeah. Sorry if it's shit :/

To say Eren woke up feeling like shit was an understatement. Usually Levi wakes up next to him in his arms but this morning he found a note on the bed saying he had to go into work early today and he wouldn't be home until about 6pm. That left Eren at home for 9 whole hours by himself. These past two months were absolute shit for Eren, he was transferring onto a new anti-depressant and a new night aid for his nightmares. All the time he is having mood swings and big episodes of anger and sometimes he cries for hours for no reason, so when he saw the note he started to cry.

 _damnint why am i crying_ he thought. Levi was coming home, it's not like he left for forever but somehow in Eren's chest it felt like Levi was abandoning him.

Wiping his tears he rolled out of bed and he immediately wanted to crawl back into the warm cavern of his blankets, he really didn't want to get up but he had to pee. So he had to, fuck.

Walking to the bathroom felt like a million years away, it was around 7 feet from his bed but that still didn't change how long it felt to get there. Looking in the mirror he cringed at what a mess he looked, His hair was 4 days due for a wash and he doesn't think he's showered in almost a week. He feels guilty for making Levi put up with this, he works all the time and never gets a break because he's always taking care of Eren like a child. He winces when he realizes that he's become more needy too. He asks Levi to go out for him when he's perfectly capable of driving himself, he asks Levi to make him food and bring him things even when he has two perfectly good arms and legs. He starts to tear up again realizing he's probably stressing Levi out more than he needs to be.

In fact he knows he is and that makes it so much worse, Levi sighs more and he's always frowning now. He says it's not a problem but December is a busy month for him too, he has even more paperwork than usual and he brings it home to do at night. Oh yeah, he hasn't been sleeping much has he?

Wiping the tears that fell down his cheeks he leaves the bathroom without looking in the mirror and groans in frustration. Why can't he be normal? Why does he have to be broken, Levi shouldn't have to deal with a broken Eren he should have a non-broken Eren and that makes him feel bad. He's broken and he needs to be fixed, maybe that's why Levi is so stressed. Maybe he doesn't want to deal with a broken Eren.

Walking to the kitchen he looks around noticing it's a little messy, and that surprises him because Levi hates messes. Oh, right, he's busy and probably can't do it. Guilt eats at Eren and he starts to pick up the kitchen table, he puts the three empty teacups in the sink and a couple plates, he notices a full teacup that was still a little warm and he frowns. Did Levi not have time to drink it this morning? That makes him feel like shit, Levi is so busy with taking care of Eren and working hat he isn't able to take care of himself. He's such a bad boyfriend, why does he have to be broken?

After what feels like eternity he finishes the kitchen table and goes over to the bar where all the pictures of him and Levi stand. There is a couple candles and a vase of daisy's Levi got Eren recently. He's so mad at himself, he can't even take care of himself or clean up like a normal human should be able to. He screams frustrated with himself and wipes everything off the bar and stops when he hears the vase break. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ why did he do that? why can't he control his emotions better? Why does he have to be so fucking broken? Levi is going to be so mad now and he's probably going to leave saying Eren is to much.

He doesn't want Levi to leave he promises he'll try to fix himself

But what if he does leave? What if he just decides not to come home one day? He doesn't want Levi to leave but what if Levi is tired and wants someone who isn't broken, oh god he really fucked this up didn't he?

His hands are starting to shake and he can only hear the ragged breaths coming out of his mouth, he uses what little left of rationality he has left and tries to make it to the bedroom, when he's in the hallway almost to the bedroom his legs give out on him, he backs against the wall and cries, he cries because hes a bad boyfriend who doesn't know how to take care of himself, he cries because he doesn't want Levi to leave, he cries because hes trying so hard and it feels like nothing is happening, he cries because hes broken and he doesn't know how to fix it.

He looks around and everything is blurry and spinning, fuck he cant breath, he cant breath he feels like he's drowning. He can't breath why cant he even fucking breath right, hes so sorry, hes trying to fix it and he wants to but hes so broken and he doesn't know how to fix it. His head is starting to hurt and his lungs burn from not getting enough oxygen, he hasn't stopped crying and if anything he only seems to be crying harder. Clawing at his hair and pulling it he thinks of all the ways hes fucked up, he made Levi even more stressed, he broke the vase and probably the picture frames. Oh fuck hes going to be mad about that, he doesn't want to make Levi mad he didn't mean to he was just so frustrated because hes broken, hes so broken. Why cant he be normal for once? Why is this his life? 

Scratching at his arms he needs to feel pain, he needs to feel the pain because he deserves it because hes broken. Everything is blurry and his arms sting now and hes shaking, he screams again. He screams because he needs to be fixed he just doesn't know how. How does he fix himself, hes tried everything and it doesn't work. Is he unfixable? Is that it? That must be it, there's no other way to be like this unless you're unfixable. He bangs the back of his head against the wall and he covers his face with his hands. He looks down and, that blood? Yep, that's blood. He scratched his arms raw. His eyes start to burn with the amount hes cried but he cant stop, hes so sad and upset and mad and he cant breath oh my god he cant breath. Putting a hand to his chest he feels the way he can't breath and hes so broken and hes sorry, he didn't mean to be broken. Everything is dizzy and blurry and hes tired, hes really tired and he wants to sleep now. Sleep sounds good. 

He closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

-X-

He wakes up to his head throbbing and a stiff back. Where is he? He looks around and remembers what happened. Oh yeah, i'm a fuck up, that's what happened.

Getting up he looks around and decides to take a shower, he really doesn't want to but hes starting to smell like sweat and he has dried blood all over his hands and arms. Walking into the bathroom he glances at the clock on the bedside table and it reads 4:01pm, ok, only two more hours and Levi will be home. He can do this, he's fine Levi will understand right?

Undressing and getting into the shower he lets the warmth spill over him and relax his muscles.

Halfway through his shower when he starts to wash his hair he realizes he cant do this, he cant do this. He got on the track of how much of a bad boyfriend he is and he cant do this. Now he doesn't even want Levi to come home. He would rather Levi just stay out if he wants to leave him. He tries to finish his shower but he ends up crying again with his head under the running water so he doesn't have to feels the tears falling from his eyes.

When he decides he should get out because the hot water is running warm he looks at the clock on the wall. 7:38pm. Hes not home yet, fuck hes not home yet. Did he really leave him? Is he really not coming home? Putting on boxers because tha'ts all he can rationally do he leans against the counter staring at the mirror. The mirror is still fogged so he isn't staring at anything in particular. Is he really not coming home? Is he really that broken? Hes not that broken, is he? he's trying and he must be really broken if Levi isn't coming home. He'll call, that's what he can do. He will call so he knows for sure Levi isn't coming home, he needs to know for sure. Walking out to the kitchen again he grabs his phone, its 8:06 now. Sighing and running a hand through his wet hair he notices he should probably get a haircut, he could tie it in a small bun if he wanted to. When the phone started to ring his hands started to shake a little, ok a lot. He really wanted Levi to come home but it makes sense that he wouldn't want a broken Eren. No one can love broken people. 

Calling the first time didn't work, it rang and went to voicemail. He needs to know though, he needs to know if Levi is really leaving him.

After the sixth time calling it rang then went to voicemail. Is Levi ignoring him? Hes not being to overbearing is he? He'll call one more time, just to make sure. It's ringing and on the third ring he picks up,

"Eren, stop calling. I'm working what do you want?" Levi said exasperated. Fuck, he's mad. He didn't mean to he was just scared Levi was gone forever. 

"Eren, wha- are you crying?" Eren started to sniffle.

"I-i'm s-sorry. I d-din't mean t-to." He tried not to cry but he is, he didn't mean to make Levi mad he just wanted to know he wasn't leaving him forever. Dropping the phone and running to the bathroom he doesn't hear the calling of Levi.

"Eren whats wrong?"

"Eren are you there?"

"Eren!" And then the line went dead.

Running to the bathroom and going into the basket underneath the cabinet he pulls out the razor he said he'd never use again. He was so stupid, now Levi surely hates him. Now he's really going to leave, he didn't mean to he really really didn't want to make Levi mad and now hes mad and he probably wants to leave.

Sitting down and looking at the razor he starts to sob again. Why was he so stupid? Why does he need reassurance with everything? Why cant he be normal for once?

Pushing the blade down on his arm he watches the crimson blood drip from his arm. He deserves this, he needs to be punished for making Levi mad.

After the eight or ninth cut he's pulled from his thoughts. He could hear someone come through the front door, he looks to the door and ok, he locked it.

He continued the path of red lines up is arm until he could hear Levi outside the door.

"Eren, im sorry." Eren froze. Why is he sorry? Eren should be the one saying sorry, hes the broken one.

"Go away" He tried to sound upset but it came out as a strangled cry.

"Please let me in, im sorry" Levi started jiggling the door handle and his heart is racing now because he didn't bring in a towel and blood is on the floor pooling, it's getting dark now. Why is it getting dark? Hes tired again, it feels warm when he closes his eyes. He wants to take a nap, the last thing that comes out of his mouth is "I'm sorry." He doesn't hear the banging on the door or the pleads from Levi to be ok.

-X-

Levi didn't know why six calls in a row didn't set of any bells in his head, he guesses thats because he was already tired and his mind was on auto pilot. Still, it should have said something.

-X-

Levi was so stressed, he couldn't wait to get home and snuggle with Eren. He might even pick up some Chinese for dinner, he rarely gets it because its not healthy. But Eren has been stressed too, and hes doing a really good job managing everything. So he wanted to surprise him.

Sighing when Erwin came into the office he was about to say something but was cut off when his phone starting ringing. Silencing the call he looks over to Erwin,

"What do you want eyebrows, I've stayed two hours past my normal time and i would like to sleep." He deadpanned

"Ah yes, i was wondering if you cou-" The phone started ringing again, he silenced it again sighing heavily. That went on until the 7th call and then he picked up, it was Eren. Leaning back in his chair he answers.

"Eren, stop calling im working" He says rather exasperated, He doesn't hear anything so he tries again.

"Eren wh- are you crying?" His brows immediately furrow when he hears sniffling. He frowns, Erwin shoots him a weird look.

"I-i'm s-sorry. I d-din't mean t-to." And that makes his eyes widen, why was he sorry? He didn't do anything.

"Eren whats wrong?" Hes not getting anything and that worries him. He hadn't been going to school but he expected that, these past months were hard for Eren. So why was he crying?

He hears the phone drop, fuck, what happened. He starts to get up and pack up his things, he ignores the questioning from Erwin because his only focus is Eren.

"Eren are you there?" Still nothing, he hears faint running. Fuck, he shouln't have done that. Yes he was stressed but he shouln't have sounded so mad. Eren must be thinking the worst right now and that has guilt coiling in his gut.

"Eren!" He tries again but still nothing so he hangs up. 

Erwin is looking at him in concern and Hanji walked into the office to give him papers but is looking shocked because Levi is frantic. Hes always so calm.

"I have to go. Like now, I don't know whats going on but I have an idea, bye" And hes gone.

Rushing to his car he doesn't know whats wrong but Eren is crying and he doesn't know why. He hates not knowing especially if its based around Eren. Driving home as quick as possible, trying not to get pulled over he thinks of everything that might be wrong. He hasn't been to school so it cant be that, oh wait, he probably thinks hes mad at him, fuck.

Pulling into the driveway he rushes into the house and its not what hes expecting, the living room is picked up and going into the kitchen its half clean but everything has been wiped off the bar. That was an expensive vase, but thats not what he needs to think about, he needs to find Eren. Walking to the back door, outside is empty. Eren's car is still here, so he hasn't left. Unless he walked, fuck please be here he hopes. Walking to the bathroom next to the kitchen, empty. Hallway, empty. Bedroom, empty. Closet, empty. Of course the last place he checks is the bathroom, he almost completely forgot about it. The door is closed and he tries walking in but its locked. 

"Eren, im sorry" He hears faint crying and it makes his heart break.

"Go away" He hears, and it makes his heart break even farther because thats what he sounds like when hes been crying for hours, literally.

"Please let me in, im sorry" He starts to jiggle the door handle and it clicks now, it all makes sense. He needs confirmation after panic attacks and thats why he called so much, he wasn't trying to bother him, he needed confirmation and reassurance, fuck. And hes locked in the bathroom, oh god hes in the bathroom. He starts jiggling the door handle and he hears a faint 'im sorry' and then nothing. 

"Eren!" he starts banging on the door.

"Eren open up!" He yells, hes going to have to break the door down.

Stepping back he rams into the door with his shoulder and hears it crack, please be ok.

He does it three more times before its open and he covers his mouth with what he sees, fuck. He should've just came home when he said he was going to be home. He didn't even call.

Rushing over he feels to see if hes still breathing, he is. He gets a warm washcloth and wipes off Erens arm and it saddens him that Eren feels like he needs to get punished. He notices the scratch marks on his hands and arms and winces, he only scratches when its really bad. He wonders how long Eren dealt with this today, judging by the puffiness under his eyes and the dried tear stains he guesses it was for a while.

When he has Erens arms bandaged and cleaned up, he lays him on his back in the bed, props up his legs and covers him up. He goes into the kitchen to get him a glass of water and sets it on the nightstand.

Walking into the kitchen he gets a broom to sweep up the broken glass. He picks up what he can save and luckily the one of him and Eren and the one he got of Eren in a flower crown isn't broken. When sweeping up the broken shards of glass and flowers he thinks about how much he admires Eren's strength. He's dealt with some pretty harsh stuff in the past but that's in the past, Eren has been dealing with this pretty much all his life, and hes still going. He didn't mean to scare Eren and he knows Eren was scared about more than just Levi getting mad, but he wont ask right away. He doesn't want Eren to have a panic attack again thinking Levi is mad at him.

He's almost done picking up the kitchen when he hears Eren groan and he starts to walk into the room, when he looks at Eren and Eren sees him Eren's breath hitches and he crawls up the headboard and hugs his knees making Levi worry. 

"Eren, whats wrong?" He asks softly and he starts moving slowly towards him but stops when Eren's breath becomes more erratic. 

"I-im s-s-sorry" He hiccups and starts to cry burring his face in his knees. What's he sorry for? He's done nothing wrong. Levi should be the one apologizing, not Eren.

"Why are you sorry?" He asks and successfully gets over to the bed and crawls into it, as soon as he gets on the bed Eren clings onto him.

"Im s-sorry I-I'm bro-ken" He sobs making Levis eyes widen. He grabs Erens chin lightly and coaxes his head up so hes looking into emerald green eyes.

"No Eren, you aren't broken. You aren't broken i promise." He says hoping to get through to him thats hes not broken, hes just learning how to deal with what life gave him. And thats ok.

"Y-yes I am!" He sobs harder into Levis chest and it hurts Levi to look at Eren so distraught but he knows trying to tell him differently right now would only make it worse.

"Why are you broken, tell me why you think that." He asks in a soothing voice and runs his fingers through Eren hair.

"I don't t-think that. I know im b-broken! I cant do anything right and I f-fuck up everything. Im sorry im b-broken, im t-trying to f-fix it." His breath is getting more erratic and hes panting now so Levi sits him up and grabs his hands so he wont be temped to scratch.

"You aren't broken Eren, you are learning and im so proud of you. I know its hard and im so proud of you, youre doing such a good job." He rubs the top of Eren's hands in a soothing motion to try to calm him.

"Pl-lease don't leave me" upon hearing that Levis breath hitches and he frowns looking at Eren's tear stained face. Why would he think that? He wasn't going to leave.

"Im not leaving love" He hums and Eren frowns looking at him/

"You promise?" He asks doubtfully, still not believing Levi wanted to stay.

"I promise Eren, I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you" Hearing that makes Erens heart swell but hes broken, why would he want to stay with a broken person.

"B-but im broken" He mumbles and starts to cry again looking away.

He didn't know if it would work but it was the only way he could think of that would make Eren believe him. He tilted Erens head up and pressed his lips against Erens soft ones, When Eren tired to pull away Levi held him there for a second longer then Eren relaxed into it moving his lips with Levi's. It wasn't anything fancy, just two pairs of lips moving together. When Levi pulled away Eren blushed and looked down.

"'M sorry" he mumbled leaning into Levis chest and picking at the bandages on his arm

"Why are you sorry?" Levi asks

"I broke your vase, it was the expensive one. Wasn't it." Eren states guiltily

"Eren look at me" Levi says firmly, Eren complies trying to avoid eye contact but Levi wont let him, Levi slides his hands up to cup the sides of Eren head

"I don't care about the vase, It was expensive- dont give me that look- yes, but, i would rather you break everything we own then chose to do this" He brings his hand down to rub his hand lightly over the bandages covering Erens arm.

"Eren, I love you and I will never say it enough. You mean so much to me, I should have picked up the first time because I know you never call me at work unless you need something. I should have called you, even texted you that I was staying later but I didn't. Im sorry, im sorry you felt like you needed to be punished- hey, look at me please" He lifts Erens head up again, "You make me happy, ok? I love you." Levi leans in to place chaste kisses all over Erens face, and one final one on his lips. 

Levi lays down and pulls Eren onto his chest, he starts to play with his hair again while Eren plays with the hem of his shirt.

"Eren?" Levi asks

"hm?" Eren hums.

"What color is the sky?" He says and before Eren can process the question hes talking again.

"Blue, right? What color is the sky when it rains? Its grey and white, sometimes fading into dark grey. What color is lighting? Most say white but its a lot of different colors, yeah? You are just like the sky. Beautiful when you're happy, beautiful when you cry and beautiful when you're angry. People chose to look at the sky just like I chose to love you. When people say they love the sky they mean all of it right? Because some people like the rain and the thunder and the lightning. Some people just the the clouds dotting the blue sky. That's why when I say I love you, im telling you I love all of you. Everything about you I love, This Eren right here laying on my chest is the same Eren I love when he laughs. This Eren is the same Eren I love when hes mad or he yells. Im not going to leave you because of your mental illness. Its just another part of you that I love just like the clouds are another reason why people love the sky" Levi started to rub Erens back in a soothing motion,

"I love you Eren, im staying right here." he whispers

Eren starts to tear up again. He loves Levi so much, Levi is the best thing that's ever happened to him.

Lifting his head again he kisses Levi again, re-situates himself on his side he starts to rub just underneath his shirt where a strip of Levis skin is exposed, Levi responds to the kiss and Eren turns his head and deepens it. After a couple seconds he swipes is tongue on Levis bottom lip, Levi grants him access and their tongues twist together. Its not a sexual kiss, its a kiss that Eren uses when hes speechless. It's a kiss that says _I love you_. Eren props himself up on one elbow and Levi pulls away to kiss down Erens jaw to his neck. There he starts to bite softly, he comes up right underneath his jaw and sucks a mark there. Eren hums and starts to rub Levis chest and tugs on his shirt to tell Levi he wants it off. When Levi gets it off Eren immediately starts to kiss Levi's jaw and nip at his neck. He comes up to his ear and bites it softly.

"I love you" he whispers and he starts kissing down his chest, but before he gets far Levi is flipping them over so he hovers over Eren.

He looks Eren in the eyes for a couple seconds and then hes dipping down to kiss him again. Their eyes fall closed and Eren whimpers a little on a particularly hard bite to his bottom lip. Eren pulls away pulling Levi down onto him to trap him in his arms and legs, careful of his arm, and giggles when he rests his chin on top of Levis head.

"You're so small" he observes and that makes Levi snort.

"Thanks for noticing" Levi bury's his face in Erens neck and basks in the warmth of him. Hes glad Eren chose to be with him. Eren makes him happy.

"Its cute, you're like a lil bean" He starts to rock side to side slightly still bear hugging Levi.

"Im not cute" He mumbles into Erens neck.

"Fine, fine, you're right. You're a big scary monster who glares at everyone." He laughs and squeaks when Levi tickles him making him let go. Levi crawls onto Erens hips and sits, just admiring the dopey smile that covers Erens face.

"Sorry im not a tree like you" A smile creeping onto his lips when Eren acts offended. 

"I am not! You've just been blessed by a hobbit, you're a little hobbit bean awww." He laughs again when Levi's face scrunches up.

Levi leans down again and nuzzles Erens neck again, "No, 'm jus' Levi", he says kissing the skin there.

Eren wraps his arms around Levi and hes suddenly aware of how hungry he is, oh yeah, he forgot to eat today.

"'M hungry, i want fooood" he whines nuzzling the top of Levis head.

"Then get your ass up and lets go get fooood" Levi mocks

"I cant get up when you're using me as a heating pad love" He giggles again when Levi rubs his face farther in the crook of his neck.

"It's warm, lemme be" Contradicting his words he gets off Eren and climbs off the bed to get dressed.

"Where do we wanna eat" Levi asks, head getting stuck in the arm hole of his shirt making Eren laugh so hard he snorted, in turn making Levi laugh a bit.

"How about Chinese, since you loovvveeee me" Eren comes up behind him and wraps his arms around Levis waist and kisses his neck softly.

"Fine, but im not eating there for another lifetime, its unhealthy and the food isn't even that great" he leans up to give him a kiss and scrunches up his nose making Eren laugh. 

Grabbing Levis hands Eren grabs the keys and pulls him to the front door.

"Come ooon, I want to eat" He whines making Levi smile.

He really loves Eren, and he wouldn't ask for anyone else.

**Author's Note:**

> I am not in any way romanticizing mental illness or self-harm, this is something I deal with often. This is completely self indulgent.


End file.
